Ever wonder why it seems that the single guy has his problems in the kitchen? There are guys that can dazzle you with their cooking, but those guys tend to be few and far between. For most of us of the male gender, our fridge usually consists of the four basic food groups. They are:

- Liquids (beer, water, soda, juice)
- Sauce Packets (ketchup, mustard, soy sauce)
- Frozen Foods (pizza, hot pockets, TV dinners)
- Desserts (chocolate, cookies, ice cream ).

Why do we have sauce packets you ask? Well to put it quite simply, they come with the fast food that we grab on the run. See for an average guy, we want our food quick and we want it yesterday. If the preparation and cooking time for a recipe is more than 10 minutes, generally we are not interested. This leads to us males falling back onto the old standby of the frozen dinner, fast food, or the pasta/rice concoction we can just whip up in about 9 minutes.

Is this the healthiest way to live? No, but it is the quickest so we deal and then later complain about the weight we have gained or the money we have wasted.

What we never learned was that we can get by with less money than it would take to order out all the time. We can actually eat healthier and have more food for less money than the extra value meal at the local McDonald’s. The only problem is that it entails spending a little more time getting to know your local grocer. This can be particularly daunting for a guy, if the only reasons we go to the grocery store in the first place is to restock on the four basic groups defined above.

Before we begin a few ground rules should be set;
#1 – Ramen Noodles are a soup not a healthy meal
#2 – Hot dogs and Mac and cheese are not a healthy meal either
#3 – We can no longer eat like we did in college, our bodies are different

If you remember these three simple facts, shopping for groceries should not be as scary as you think. Today we are only go over a few things ‘cause let’s face it…. we are guys and trips to the grocery store are already information overload, right? So today we will cover desserts and meat. Two things we guys love best.

First off we need fruit, yes fruit, because chocolate and cookies don’t really count as a healthy dessert. There are also added benefits to eating fruits. One of these is the prevention of diseases. An apple a day keeps the doctor away is not just an old time adage. The fiber contained in that apple, for example, is an excellent way to prevent colon cancer, as well as other conditions including diverticulitis and constipation. Fruit can also help you to feel fuller while eating lesser amounts of food, which can help you lose weight.

Second, rather than settle for that one great piece of steak that you really want, it’s really time to consider some alternatives. In most grocery stores, meat sections have daily specials. Although these specials are not front and center they are easy to find in the meat cases off to the side of those juicy steaks. Usually these deals will be, buy one get one free or they may already come marinated thereby saving you that step in your cooking process. Most of meat can even be grilled and as anyone knows, men love their grills.

Guys love to grill, it’s in our inherent nature and it’s part of our DNA. We are manly men! We grill! Unfortunately what goes along with that is our DNA requires us to grill hamburgers and hot dogs. Why you ask? Well simply put we can buy more meat if we choose hamburgers and hot dogs. So, break the mold, honesty, there’s more to meat than what can be put on a bun and drowned in condiments. These meats in your grocer’s meat case might even spice up the next Sunday afternoon football event you have.

Now that we covered the essentials of fruit and meat, next time we’ll tackle veggies and starches. Until then remember this, grocery shopping is not as bad as you think; you just need to adjust your perspective, and that’s the base of any great masterpiece you create in the kitchen.

Many busy families barely have time to transfer the takeout to a paper plate, so food becomes just a means to an end. Empty stomach? Why, grab something from the drive-thru. It’s as easy as filling a car’s gas tank.

But throughout history, many cultures and religions have imbued food and drink with much more significance. In fact, Hinduism places so much emphasis on the preparation and consumption of food that it’s been dubbed “the kitchen religion.” Numerous religious celebrations, rituals, and taboos revolve around different foods – many of which are staples of our diets today.

Chances are, you eat some of these foods daily, with no thought to their remarkable history and meaning.

Celebrate life with bread.
Humans have eaten bread for thousands of years, and the occupation of baker is one of the world’s oldest. Bread has a significant place in many religious ceremonies and customs.

• The ancient Egyptians placed bread inside tombs so that the soul would have sustenance on its journey to the afterlife.
• Jews recite a special blessing before every meal that includes bread. During the eight-day Passover observance, Jews are just forbidden to eat any leavened bread – or even have it in the house. Instead, they consume matzah, a flat unleavened bread, to commemorate their escape from slavery in Egypt.
• In Christianity, bread is specifically mentioned in the “Lord’s Prayer” and plays a central role in the worship service. Small pieces of bread or wafers are used during the sacrament of Communion as part of a ritual that recalls the life, ministry, and sacrifice of Christ.
• In Islam, bread and wheat-based soups with bulgur and other grains are often used to break the fast during the month of Ramadan.

Some religions view bread as a symbol of the cycle of life: the mixing, kneading, rising, shaping, baking, and eating parallels many Creation stories. And a single piece of the dough can be used to start the creating cycle again. It’s a powerful metaphor the human life cycle.

Think about that the next time you down a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

Have a Glass of Wine
Wine has traditionally been used as part of religious celebrations. The Egyptians, Persians, Greeks, Sumerians, and Romans all had specific wine gods. Wine is mentioned 155 times in the Jewish Bible and 10 times in the Christian New Testament.

Ancient cultures used wine as part of riotous rituals that involved drinking, dancing, and sexual contact. The term “bacchanalia,” used now to describe any sort of wild, drunken revelry, has its roots in an actual Roman festival: the Bacchanalia, which included, well, wild and drunken revelry.

The Christian use of wine and bread during the Communion sacrament is more solemn and subdued. There, wine symbolizes the blood of Christ, which was shed to redeem humanity. There are differences of opinion among Christians about other uses of wine. Some branches take a more ascetic approach and frown on wine and liquor consumption. Others are more lenient.

In Judaism, wine consumption is an important part of family and communal religious observance. On the Sabbath and holidays, the Kiddush (blessing over wine) is recited to sanctify the day. Both the bride and groom drink from a cup of wine during a Jewish wedding ceremony.

In contrast, other religions either strictly regulate wine consumption – or forbid it entirely:
• Hinduism condemns excessive consumption of alcohol. Even moderate consumption is forbidden if it’s not done in the remembrance of God. Hindu religious guidelines list wine drinking as one of the “Five Great Sins,” but in some traditions, wine is drunk sacramentally after ritually removing the curse placed on it because of its harmful effects.
• In Buddhism, wine drinking is also one of the “Five Prohibitions” for a disciple of Buddha.
• Although early Muslims drank wine, the practice is forbidden in Islam today.
• Shinto adherents sometimes abstain from alcohol as a method of purification.

Olive Oil – Lighting, Eating, and Anointing
Olive trees are native to the Mediterranean and Middle East area and olive oil has played an important role in religions and cultures throughout those regions.

• In early Jewish practice, the recipe for making holy anointing oil included a mixture of spices and olive oil. The most famous mention of this practice is from the Twenty-third Psalm: “You anoint my head with oil…” Later, olive oil was used to light the lamps in the Temple and was the oil said to have burned for eight days as part of the Hanukkah miracle.
• In Greek mythology, the goddess Athena planted the first olive tree and gave it the power to bring light to the darkness, heal wounds, and provide food.
• In the Catholic and Orthodox traditions, olives and olive oil are symbols of love and peace and used in many different ceremonies inside and outside the Church.
• Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons) consecrate olive oil for anointing ceremonies.

Salt of the Earth – and the Spirit Too
Although many consumers today think of salt as something to be avoided due to health concerns, the ancient world viewed it far differently. Mark Kurlansky’s 2002 book, A History of Salt, recounts how the need for salt influenced trade routes, touched off warfare, shaped the history of world civilization, and played a role in religious observance.

Roman soldiers were paid in part so they could buy salt (the origin of the word salary). Salt bars were used as currency in Ethiopia for over 1,000 years. When used as part of religious rituals, salt is a symbol of purity. Many religions required that sacrifices be salted before they were offered.

• Salt is mentioned frequently in both the Jewish and Christian Bibles. It’s where we get the phrase “the salt of the Earth” and describe someone standing very still as being like “a pillar of salt.”
• Buddhists use salt to repel evil spirits. The Dalai Lama was buried sitting a top a bed of salt.
• In the Shinto religion, salt is also used for purification – or to purify an entire area.
• Ancient Egyptians used salt as part of the mummification process.

Eating – or not – as Worship
Actually, when you examine the beliefs, customs, and practices of many world religions, they seem to be as interested in the contents of your stomach as in the state of your soul.

Jewish and Moslem dietary laws, in particular, strictly proscribe some types of foods. So do Seventh Day Adventists, Hindus, and Buddhists. There are times when religious practices require certain foods to be eaten, and times when people aren’t allowed any food or drink. Many religions encourage some type of fasting, which some equate with “praying with the body.”

Religious traditions use food to shape humanity’s encounter with the Divine. When food is prepared and eaten within a religious structure, the simple act of eating becomes something transcendent – not just an everyday activity.

It’s something to think about while waiting in the drive-thru lane.

(This is the third in a series of articles which show that, yes, it is possible to eat three enjoyable meals at some of New York’s finest restaurants for less than $6,000 per day. What follows is the evening portion of a tightly-budgeted meal plan created by the Culinary Muser for an unnamed client.)

Dear Sir,

When I accepted your challenge to create a plan that would allow you to dine at some of the best restaurants in New York City on the limited budget of $6,000, I must confess that I underestimated the difficulty involved.

Not with the mission, of course, for I knew that, with all its variety, New York could provide satisfying culinary experiences for any price range. I mean, I certainly would recommend Norma’s $1000 omelet to clients with 10 times the budget as you and no, I wouldn’t consider the $29 hamburger from DB Bistro Moderne "bourgeois finger food," but a refreshing, upscale twist on an American staple.

But this latest development is the last straw. I’ve budgeted the whole day up to this point to accommodate one person, and now you inform me that you not only want a fine dining experience for TWO, but a romantic evening beginning with cocktails and ending with dessert.

I could go on ad infinitum about my current state of annoyance, but I realize that the sooner I finish this request, the sooner my job will be completed. Below you’ll find the itinerary for this evening. Bon apetite.

Cocktails
My suggestion for pre-dinner cocktails is Ice Bar at the Duvet Restaurant and Lounge where you and your date can enjoy one of their signature drinks like a Purple Haze, White Satin Mojito, or their premium cocktail, the Duvet Platinum Passion, while watching over 100 exotic jellyfish swim in the 8 x 15 foot aquarium behind the bar.

If you do order the Platinum Passions, made of L’ésprit de Courvoisier, Ruinart Champagne, and a proprietary syrup made of passion fruit, berries, and honey, please try to limit your intake to just one or two as these beauties go for $1500/drink.

(Now, can you see why I’m more than just a little peeved about the extravagances you’ve added to the dinner selection?)

Whatever you do, I, along with your accountant and the ghost of Dorothy Parker, beg you to stay away from the Algonquin Hotel’s Blue Bar for pre-dinner cocktails. I know how infantile and impetuous you can be around things you know you can’t afford, and I’m afraid that the $10,000 Martini on the Rock, which is served with a 1.52 karat diamond, may be a temptation too great for you to resist.

Besides, I worry that the tart accompanying you for the evening might get the wrong idea!

(Err… sorry for that last comment, but after our brief professional relationship, I’m now starting to take your ex-wife’s side in the society pages.)

Dinner
For dinner this evening, I’ve secured you a reservation at Masa in the Time Warner Center. Don’t let the shopping mall location fool you, though, this Japanese restaurant is among the best of the best in New York City.

The place only seats 26 people and is booked months in advance, yet I’ve somehow managed to reserve you two seats at the bar. At Masa, the bar features the best seats in the house because you can watch and talk to Masa Takayama, the owner and chef, as he prepares delicacy after delicacy right before your eyes.

Masa also features one of the best sake lists I’ve seen this side of the Pacific Rim. Might I recommend the Kikuhime Sake at $400 per carafe. It’s of excellent quality, much less expensive than the Ice Bar’s fruity cocktails, and, I’m sure, will make your date’s time with you much more enjoyable.

Dessert
Finally, where else to go for dessert other than New York City’s premiere ice cream parlor, Serendipity? Their own website describes it as the type of place you’d find if Dr. Seuss, Andy Warhol, and Willy Wonka all decided to throw an ice cream party.

Though known for their signature ice cream concoctions, such as Cheesecake Vesuvius, Strawberry Fields Sundae, and Frozen Hot Chocolate, I get the feeling I already know which menu item will catch your eye… the $1,000 Golden Opulence Sundae.

This one of a kind sundae, created in celebration of the restaurant’s "golden" anniversary, consists of five scoops of Tahitian Vanilla bean ice cream, Madagascar vanilla, 23k edible gold leaf, Amedei Porceleana chocolate (the most expensive in the world), Parisian candied fruits, gold dragets, truffles, Marzipan cherries, American Golden caviar (a salt free dessert caviar), passion fruit, orange, Armagnac, all topped off with a Ron Ben-Israel gilded sugar flower.

It’s a lot of food for one person, so be sure to ask for a second 18k gold spoon—or just use the silver one you’ve been carrying in your mouth since birth.

There you have it. With that final recommendation, I have completed my mission. Here again are the totals, sans tax and gratuity.

Norma’s Omelette $1,000
DB Bistro Moderne Hamburger $29
Cocktails at Ice Bar $3,000
Dinner for Two at Masa $1,000
Golden Opulence Sundae from Serendipity $1,000

Grand Total… $6,029.

The $29 is your penalty for not being more forthcoming about the extravagant nature of your dinner plans. My penalty was taking you on as a client in the first place.

Cordially,

The Culinary Muser

(This is the second in a series of articles which show that, yes, it is possible to eat three enjoyable meals at some of New York’s most expensive restaurants for less than $6,000 per day. The following is taken from a correspondence between The Culinary Muser and an unnamed client.)

I trust you had an exquisite breakfast experience at Norma’s and, though I didn’t mention it beforehand, I’d very much appreciate it if, next time, you don’t ask for a doggie bag.

Yes, I know it’s a lot of food, but please remember that you have engaged my services to help preserve your image during these trying financial times. Thoughtless actions like that only serve to undermine all the good I’m trying to do.

Ok, now for lunch…

I realize that Fridays are always “lunch at the club,” but if you’ll recall, we’re on an extremely limited budget and must plan your meals smartly so that you may “dine” instead of “chow” tonight at dinner.

Fortunately, lunch recommendations are my specialty. My favorite one, for example, is the Magic, Martinis, and Mario custom lunch that my good friend Mario Batali (Molto Mario on the Food Network and owner of Babbo Restaurant) puts on along with his magician pal Billy Harris and bartender Tony Abou-Ganim.

Billy’s got a killer magic act to entertain you before the meal, and Tony creates custom cocktails that perfectly compliment Mario’s lunch courses. I believe the guys usually operate out of Las Vegas, but for the right price I’m sure Mario would consider hosting the event in New York. And, oh yeah, you don’t have to dine alone. You can bring anywhere from 9 to 999 of your closest friends.

Unfortunately for you, this lunch package starts at $100,000 and as you know, that’s a price that’s way out of your league these days. Still there’s no sense crying over spilt quiante. I’ve got another recommendation that I’m sure you’ll enjoy just as–

What?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do know that you hate it when I mention things you can’t have because it always makes you want them more, but maybe you’ll remember that little tidbit the next time you give away a quarter of a point in a negotiation just to “get the deal done.”

Now, finally, here’s my lunch recommendation. Take it or leave it. Building on the strategy that we laid out earlier (big breakfast, small lunch, nice dinner), I’m going to recommend something a little out of the ordinary for you for lunch. I recommend…

…a hamburger.

Before you say anything, yes, I remember the “I-have-to-get-my-manager” moment that occurred the last time you purchased a quarter-pounder and paid with a hundred dollar bill. And, no, I really don’t know what’s so damned funny about being called “college boy,” but I’m sure the guy meant it in a nice way.

This place isn’t like that. I’m talking about DB Bistro Moderne on West 44th Street, and their version of the hamburger comes stuffed with foie gras, black truffles and braised short ribs. It’s pretentious, expensive, and a blue collar Joe who knows what a "real" burger tastes like wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole. That’s how I know you’ll love it.

Best of all, it’s relatively quick, and you should be done with lunch in time to make your weekly squash game at the club.

Enjoy lunch and the rest of your afternoon. I’ll be back after your steam and massage to fill you in on your dinner plans.

The Culinary Muser

You’re young, affluent and have the world by the tail. You’ve bought when everybody’s sold, sold when everybody’s bought, and now you want to treat yourself to a day off in the Big Apple. The only problem is that due to certain tax regulations, the blasted SEC, and you’re ex-wife’s bulldog attorney that would make Michael Vick proud, you’ve only got a paltry $6,000 in your pocket to enjoy the culinary delights of New York City. How do you pull it all together?

Be calm, my friend, The Culinary Muser is here to show you that, yes, even for $6,000 you can sample some of New York’s best dining experiences and still walk away looking like a big tipper.

Breakfast
As you know, your coffers are extremely limited, so we’re going to have to develop a strategy if you want to end the day with a hot meal. My first suggestion is to start the day with a good, hearty breakfast. That way, you’ll have a meal that sticks with you and won’t thin out your money clip by snacking through the afternoon.

What’s the breakfast place that will give you all that, you ask incredulously? Norma’s in the Le Parker Meridien Hotel on W. 57th Street. Call ahead for a table and be sure to mention my name when you do. Once seated, the meal you’re going to order is the Zillion Dollar Lobster Fritata.

That’s right, lobster frittata. This beauty of an omelet consists of six eggs, an entire lobster, and 10 oz of Sevruga caviar all over a bed of roasted potatoes. Like everything at Norma’s, the presentation is as exquisite as the taste.

Best thing about Norma’s… you can get breakfast until 3:00 in the afternoon. So if you wiled the previous night away throwing back cold ones with your fellow corporate raiders while reciting your favorite Gordon Gecko quotes and speculating on junk stocks in the Asian market, you can stroll in long after the opening bell has rung and still order breakfast.

(By the way… those weren’t Sam Adams Utopias or Tutenkhamen Ales, you were drinking last night, were they? If so, and if they came out of today’s budget, I can’t be responsible when you can’t order a flaming table-side dessert after dinner tonight.)

What’s that?

No, it’s not really a zillion dollars for the omelet. You can pick the whole thing up for a measly $1,000. Had you going for a second, didn’t I?

Enjoy your meal, and I’ll be back a little later with my lunch recommendation.

The Culinary Muser

It’s a custom that horrifies most Europeans and North Americans. But why? You really have to wonder at the selective squeamishness of people who consider snails to be a gourmet treat. Surely, it’s just a short hop, or crawl, from snail to grasshopper, termite, or caterpillar.

The Ultimate Diet Food
Consider the benefits of incorporating insects into your diet.

• High protein, low fat. Hamburger is 18% protein and 18% fat. In contrast, moth larvae are 63% protein and 15% fat. Grasshoppers make high protein, low fat snacks that are relatively high in calcium and iron.

• Environmental benefits. Insects are low on the food chain, require minimal space and resources to raise, and have a better feed to meat ratio than more common farm animals like sheep, cows, chickens, and hogs. They don’t require a lot of cropland or expensive petroleum-based fertilizers. You can grow them right in your apartment!

• Wilderness survival. Military manuals routinely include information about edible insects. In 1996, Scott O’Grady had to be thankful for that training. After being shot down in Bosnia, the Air Force captain evaded Serbian searchers for six days. He survived by using sponges to soak up water and eating grasshoppers. Ok. So maybe you’ll never have your F-16 shot down behind enemy lines, but people get lost in the woods every day.

• Money saving. Why waste money on bait, tackle, and other expensive fishing equipment when you could just eat the bait instead? Entomophagy is a great way to grow food in a very small space at low cost. And just think; you’ll rarely be asked to contribute a dish to potluck meals.

Insects aren’t always a cheap food source. Prepared foods almost always cost more than homemade. Just two Chicken Stuffed Waterbugs will set you back $8 at the Typhoon Restaurant in Santa Monica, California. But, in general, insects provide high-quality protein at relatively low cost.

A World Crawling With Options
It’s estimated that between 50% and 80% of the world’s people intentionally eat insects in some form. Over 1200 edible insects have been identified.

Here are a few of the more familiar choices:

• Termites are an important food source in some parts of Africa. They’re commonly roasted or fried. Adult queen termites (who may reach three inches or more in length) are considered delicacies.

• Locusts. Subsistence farmers have a strategy for dealing with locust swarms: they eat them. Locusts eat their weight in food each day and one ton of locusts (a tiny swarm) can eat enough food for 2500 people in one day. Farmers in Western Africa deal with the resulting destruction by consuming the culprits. Locusts may be dried, barbequed on skewers, or stuffed with peanuts and fried.

• Grasshoppers and Cicadas. Along with crickets, these are some of the most widely consumed insects. They’re often served covered in chocolate. They can also be served roasted or boiled (although many people think that boiling destroys the distinctive, crunchy texture).

• Tarantulas are popular in Latin America. They’re served fire-roasted, fried, or covered in sauces. Savor the crunchy legs contrasted against the soft, chewy middle portion.

• Mealworms are probably the most common entry-level insect. They’re easy to find, inexpensive, and quite versatile. They can be chopped to make spreads and sandwich fillings, dried and used in place of nuts and raisins in recipes, or ground into flour for baking.

While every culture has some food taboos, very few eschew insects entirely. Even observant Jews who follow kosher dietary laws are permitted to eat four species of grasshoppers – although relatively few actually do.

One culture’s “yuck” is another culture’s “yum!”

Insect Preparation Tips
Every cook knows that the secret to yummy food is to use quality ingredients and careful preparation techniques. Entomophagy enthusiasts have published several popular cookbooks that provide specific preparation instructions and recipes. Check out these for ideas: Man Eating Bugs; Eat-A-Bug Cookbook, and Creepy Crawly Cuisine.

In the meantime, here are a few tips to help you get started:
• Never eat insects that were dead when you found them; chances are they’ve been poisoned.
• Be careful about collecting insects in the wild, particularly around cultivated fields. They may be contaminated with pesticides.
• Always remove the stingers and boil wasps before eating to neutralize the poison.
• Refrigerate live grasshoppers and crickets before cooking. The cooler temperature slows them down and makes them easier to handle.
• Be careful with the super size mealworms (those that are about three inches long with a hard skin). They’re very mobile and do bite – although the bites aren’t serious.
• Wait 24 hours before eating purchased insects. This gives them time to empty their digestive tracts.

One Little, Two Little, Insect Parts in Your Food
If you’re thinking “there’s no way I’d ever eat bugs,” get ready for some bad news.

It’s almost impossible to completely rid foods of insects and insect parts, so the US Food and Drug Administration sets standards for the amount of contamination that renders the food unsafe or unacceptable.

The crunch in your chocolate bar may not be from the nuts. Consider these guidelines:

• 100 grams of chocolate must have fewer than 60 insect fragments.
• Macaroni and noodle products should contain fewer than 225 insect fragments in 225 grams of product.
• Canned peas are rejected if they contain an average of 5 or more cowpea curculio larvae or the equivalent per No. 2 can.
• Golden raisins must have fewer than 10 or more whole or equivalent insects and 35 Drosophila eggs per 8 oz.
• Apples too insect-ridden to be sold for fresh eating are used to make apple cider.

The average adult consumer has already inadvertently consumed a pound or more of insects and insect parts. Like most of the world’s population, you’ve eaten insects and enjoyed them – even if you didn’t realize it.

Sometimes it’s just a matter of perspective. Would honey be as popular if the label read “Bee Vomit” instead? Maybe the solution is to find more familiar names for insect dishes. Names that make them sound like comfort food instead of something out of a Star Trek movie.

Three Bee Salad, anyone?

We call those people “Extreme Chefs,” a group of culinary adventurers who spurn the stove, microwave, and backyard grill. They’ll cook anywhere else - and with anything else – though: car engines, dishwashers, compost piles, steam irons, and even volcanoes.

Car-beque Anyone?

Chris Scheller and Chris Maynard’s automotive cookbook, “Manifest Destiny,” is a lighthearted and varied collection of recipes designed for your car engine. The book tackles such heated topics as “were Jaguars really designed with veal scallopini in mind?” and “how many miles does it take to poach a salmon?”

Last published in 1998; used copies of “Manifold Destiny” are sought after by collectors and hungry truckers. Don’t worry if you can’t locate one. These basic guidelines will help you convert your Subaru into a mobile Spago:

• When the engine is warm, carefully use your hand to find the places that are hot enough – and large enough – to cook your entrée.
• Wrap the food in aluminum foil (several layers) and seal it well.
• Secure the packet. Otherwise, your car may leave a Goldilocks-like trail of half-cooked shrimp on the highway.
• Guard against leaks. Lemon juice and other liquids can corrode your engine.
• Chicken and fish do best for short (under 100-mile) trips because they tend to cook more quickly.

This is an inexact science, and it may take several attempts to get the recipe just right. If at first you don’t succeed, drive, drive again!

Even if you don’t own a car, there are other ways to avoid the stove and still cook great food. All it takes is a little imagination and a few common household appliances.

Dishwasher Dinners

Most people run the dishwasher after the meal, but to others, the sound of water churning through the appliance says just one thing: “Dinner’s almost ready!”

That’s right, it’s possible to cook in your dishwasher. Bob Blumer, host of the Food Network show, “The Surreal Gourmet,” popularized dishwasher cooking when he showed how to poach salmon in a dishwasher. Fish is often the best option. Its cooking requirements almost exactly match the temperature and time of an average dishwasher cycle.

Things to remember:
• Wrap the fish in aluminum foil and seal it well.
• Enclose each portion in its own foil pouch.
• Oil the inside of the foil to keep the fish from sticking.

This is a great energy-saving technique because it’s perfectly acceptable to wash a load of dishes (with soap) as you cook the fish. Just make sure the foil is sealed really, really well.

Snacks From Your Iron

But perhaps you’re not looking for a full meal, just a snack as you catch up on the ironing. How about a grilled cheese sandwich?

Select the Wool setting on your iron and assemble your ingredients:

1. Cheese: Choose your favorite type and slice it thinly. Grated cheese melts more quickly, but makes a bigger mess.
2. Bread slices: Thick, sturdy slices work best. Avoid thin, soft slices of white bread; the iron tends to flatten them.
3. Butter or margarine: Spread on the outside of the bread to help it toast and prevent sticking.

When your sandwich is assembled, make sure the Steam setting is turned to OFF before applying the iron. For best results, use an iron with Teflon coating on the bottom. It makes cleanup much easier if the cheese leaks out.

Giving Thanks With Compost

This technique requires a sizeable compost pile and the willingness to risk food poisoning.

One year, master composter Malcolm Beck decided to try something new for Thanksgiving. He sealed a couple of turkeys in several layers of plastic bags and lowered them by rope into the middle of one of his large (8+ feet tall) compost piles. The turkeys cooked for several hours, using the heat generated by the compost pile, and reportedly were delicious.

Although imaginative and unique, this isn’t a recommended cooking method. Compost pile temperatures just don’t get hot enough to kill harmful bacteria. Mr. Beck’s compost temperature measured between 160 and 180 degrees Fahrenheit and that’s not always high enough to kill harmful bacteria. The USDA recommends temperatures no lower than 325 degrees for cooking poultry.

This next extreme outdoor cooking technique can be even more dangerous because, well, you may not live to taste the food.

Cooking With Lava

Think of it as a way to get in touch with your inner caveman. John Alexander, owner of the Dolphin Bay Hotel in Hilo, Hawaii, devotes a page of his Web site to his own special recipe and describes how to cook with lava.

The tools and ingredients are about what you’d expect:
1. A supply of molten lava: approximately 2 shovels full.
2. Game hen.
3. Heavy protective gloves
4. A shovel that you’ll never use again.
5. Eight banana leaves

Wrap the meat in the banana leaves (leave a small opening to vent escaping steam) and place it on one scoop of the lava. This becomes the base of the “oven.” Top the leaves with the other scoop of lava and let it cool. Within about 45 minutes, the lava cools; the banana leaves burn to ash; and your hen is ready to eat. Opening your “oven” is easy: just hit the hardened lava with your shovel.

Safety tip: be sure to select a slow-moving lava flow. Some have been clocked at speeds up to 37 miles per hour.

Five-minute Ice Cream

Now let’s end our culinary adventure with some dessert. How about a frosty bowl of liquid nitrogen ice cream?

You’ll need:
1. Liquid nitrogen: Approximately 2 liters for an average recipe. Check with your local liquid gas suppliers and be sure to compare prices. Some suppliers charge extra for delivery or container rental.
2. Heavy gloves: The liquid nitrogen is cold enough to freeze your skin on contact. No ice cream social should end with a trip to the emergency room, so be careful handling the ingredients.
3. Your favorite ice cream recipe.
4. Stainless steel mixing bowl: The larger, the better.
5. Wooden spoon for combining the ice cream mixture and the liquid nitrogen.

Put on the gloves and pour the ice cream mixture into the stainless steel mixing bowl. Slowly pour the liquid nitrogen to the ice cream and stir with the wooden spoon until the mixture is frozen and the nitrogen has evaporated. This should take five to ten minutes. Serve immediately. Stir in more liquid nitrogen if the mixture melts too quickly.

Although you may never be tempted by the world of extreme cooking, these techniques do supply you with interesting conversation topics for your next dinner party. Nobody needs to know that you prepared the food using a boring, conventional stove.

Sources:

Cooking with Volcanoes
Dishwasher Salmon with Cilantro Sauce
Grilled Cheese with a Steam Iron
Liquid Nitrogen Ice Cream
Making Ice Cream with Liquid Nitrogen
Trash Can Turkey
Turkey for the Holidays